Surveys – A Tale of Pens, Opinions, and Equine Chaos
The data no one asked for, collected by a man who should’ve known better.
Life is full of unanswered questions. Questions like:
- Is this article going to be funny?
- Is oat milk a viable long-term alternative?
- Why am I writing this while standing on a ladder?
Unlikely. Maybe. It seemed like a fun idea at the time.
The world offers us few answers — but it does offer surveys. FAR TOO MANY SURVEYS!
Allow me to segue into an anecdote without you really noticing.
Three weeks ago I visited a card shop to buy wrapping paper. In the interest of justifiancy (is that a word? It should be!), I’ll list the steps involved in my visit:
Walk through the door (no steps or stairs involved).
Find the wrapping paper section (no steps here either).
Spend 35 minutes indecisively staring at different patterns and colours until they all start blending into one. Should I choose pink stripes or something more generic? Do I need 3m or 5m?
Give up, grab the cheapest roll and walk three feet to the checkout (still, somehow, no steps — this all feels a bit flat).
Pay.
On the way out, spot Lisa Scott-Lee loitering in the birthday card section (Steps involved 🎶 - finally! ✅).
Despite narrowly avoiding Tragedy 🎶, after I was handed a receipt by the cashier and told there was a QR code for a survey on it (*hint hint*), I felt... a little irked.
And, frankly, why wouldn’t I? These days, you can’t even buy a takeaway sandwich without being asked to rate your emotional experience.
Surveys have become like a Colin the Caterpillar cake - omnipresent, overly cheerful, and wheeled out for every occasion. 🐛
So, what now?
As with most things that annoy me, I took it upon myself to highlight the ridiculousness of the situation by enthusiastically getting involved. Jumping on the bandwagon. Riding the metaphorical wave of passive-aggressive market research. Climbing on the ladder of... ENOUGH ladders already!
I figured I’d start things light. So, my first foray into the surveying world was via a simple poll in the WhatsApp group at my co-working office...
A pretty conclusive result, if you ask me. Although I may just be clutching at straws. 🤔
With this successful first attempt behind me, I began to feel an increased level of confidence. Naturally, the next logical step was to create a proper survey. One with important questions that need answering. I got to work. And then, I released it into the wild at work...
A frankly baffling number of people filled out my survey. And five spectacular drawings of horses were contributed. Like this little fella!
He’s quite something, isn’t he? Although I think it’s fair to say you wouldn’t be backing him in the 3.15 at Cheltenham.
While I was pleased with the standard of horses drawn (I’m easily pleased), I felt an undeniable urge to find out which was the best one. The pinnacle of greatness. The supreme being. The horse with the secret sauce. And the way to do that was, as you might expect, very clear to me...
Voter response was unprecedented (for a horse-based ballot) - people were chomping at the Bic to vote. 🖊️ And, naturally, the result was as clear as bin juice. So, with a starring role in a West End show and a 12ft bronze statue of Celine Dion on the line, I took appropriate and decisive action to crown the winner...
Was all of this entirely pointless? Absolutely. Am I happy about that? Absolutely.
Frankly, I think this process serves as a metaphor for the ridiculousness of modern feedback culture.
Now, will someone PLEASE get me off this ladder!
Alastair
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