When social media made me smile: #1…

Gosh, I’ve not seen so many alarming fires since I binge-watched the box set of Fireman Sam! 🔥 #alwaysonthescene

🏮 We can look back on this in 12 months' time and see how many I got right… ⬇️

📺 It’s April Fools Day tomorrow (you have been warned). True story: On April 1st 1957, the BBC broadcast a special Panorama current affairs programme about a Swiss family who had harvested a record crop of spaghetti from a ‘spaghetti tree’. 🌳

🍝 As spaghetti wasn’t widely eaten in the UK at the time, the programme got quite a reaction. Hundreds of viewers phoned in to the BBC to ask questions about it, with some even asking how to grow their own spaghetti trees.

Decades after it had first been broadcast, CNN called it “the biggest hoax that any reputable news establishment ever pulled.”

At times of high anxiety, little moments of humour can be a perfect antidote…

🥞 Something a little more upbeat for your Shrove Tuesday…

❤️ A wonderful description of love from a 6-year-old. ⬇️

(thanks to Giles Paley-Phillips on Twitter)

Statistics 101. 📈

☄️ A giant asteroid measuring more than one kilometre wide will pass Earth this evening. Nothing to worry about, though. As NASA points out, Asteroid 7482 (1994 PC1), which measures twice the size of the Empire State Building, is “very well known and has been studied for decades.” It will pass by around 1.2 million miles from us at a speed of 43,000 mph. Here’s an idea of just how big Asteroid 7482 is… (image from Sky News)

I’m all for future planning. However, my wife received this offer addressed to her in the post today and was VERY unimpressed. She’s 32! 😁

Couldn’t resist…

Prince George To Release His First Autobiography

In a surprising development, Prince George, the four-year-old son of Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, has today announced the release of his first autobiography. ‘Prince George: My First 4 Years’ will focus on his struggles to be understood in modern society and reveal how the terrible twos were a crushing disappointment. It also promises to shed light on his ongoing battle with Calpol addiction.

Child writing on paper

In a press release issued today, the young Prince describes his book as ‘controversial’, ‘fascinating’, ‘absorbing’ and other over-dramatic, long, descriptive words too complicated for a 4-year-old to spell himself.

Speaking via his publicist, Prince George said, “I feel the time is right, with Christmas approaching, to jump on the autobiography bandwagon. Katie Price releases at least two autobiographies every Christmas, and I’m a bloody Royal, for Christ’s sake!”

Although many people think of Prince George as being well-mannered and quiet, he isn’t afraid to reveal parts of his dark side in his new book. Indeed, he recalls one particular conversation with a friend that made him spit his dummy out in disgust!

In an extract from his memoirs, Prince George reveals his distaste for stereotyping and poor humour. “I’m not particularly temperamental," he says, “but I have been known to throw my toys out the pram occasionally. I recall one particular incident that happened a few months after I was born - I was out with my parents; I’d only just started to crawl at the time. A member of the public brazenly walked up to me and quipped ‘I hear you’re third in line to the throne… typical British - always queueing!’ Well, I wasn’t going to stand for that!

Although Prince George’s autobiography contains lots of interesting revelations about his temperament, he also takes the opportunity to look forward to the future. He dreams of experiencing some very particular sporting events in his lifetime. “I’d love to see the day when the UK hosts an Olympic Games, or Manchester United wins a Premier League title,” he comments, ambitiously.

Although the title of his autobiography might seem an obvious choice, Prince George reveals it wasn’t such a simple decision after all. “I was going to call it ‘The Misunderstood Prince’, but saw that my Grandad Charlie had already nicked that title. By calling it ‘My First 4 Years’, it allows me to release a follow-up in a few years time. By the time I get to 40, I’ll be minted! Then, all I need to do is hide my money in the Cayman Islands…”

Always building for the future, the young Prince has an ambitious idea to attack the Christmas market again next year and is in talks to release a duet album with Gareth Gates. Plans are also in the pipeline to launch a 2018 Easter fitness video with an unknown celebrity wannabe from TOWIE and create a new fad diet involving Farley’s Rusks.

Asked to sum up his book, Prince George said, “Everybody thinks I’m a good little boy, but what I reveal in my book will truly shock you… is that enough bait to buy the book or should I go more extreme?"

Prince George: My First 4 Years will be published by Cobblers and Hogwash on 15 December 2017 in both hardback and eBook.

To celebrate the release of his book, Prince George will be doing a special book signing at Waterstones in Piccadilly on Thursday 7 December. He promises to let you choose the crayon colour…

Crayons in child's hand

Moon Seeks Independence

Following Scotland’s bid to split from the United Kingdom, the Moon has decided to follow in their footsteps and seek independence from the Earth after 4.5 billion years.

Speaking via Skype, the Man on the Moon (otherwise known as the First Minister) commented:

"Honestly, what do you expect? You Earth people haven't visited us for over 40 years - you haven't so much as sent flowers or Christmas gifts. Even an Amazon gift card would have meant something..."

He continued:

"The last time you came over, in your weird-looking suits, you barely said a word to us and just strolled around taking photographs, eating our cheese and planting down flags as if you owned the place. Well, enough! We've decided to move to Mars, where we feel we will be better appreciated. And you can manage your ocean tides yourselves, you bastards!"

Support is said to be high for the move, with 100% of the population of the Moon in favour when a recent straw poll was conducted. Notably, tennis player Andy Murray has come out in support of the move, although suggestions that he might go and live there have been quickly rebuffed…

Anyone For Soup?

Now, you’ll probably appreciate it when I tell you that I’m no expert on kitchen utensils. Until recently I believed that Pestle and Mortar was a U.S. crime drama tv series from the 1980s.

However, I think that if I use this Tesco ‘ladle’ to serve [cream of hedgehog] soup at my upcoming dinner party (which is entirely fabricated to make the joke, so please don’t expect an invite) you’ll all be going rather hungry…

The Ladle...

Still… “every little helps”…

I Am Stupid – Pointless Letter #6

Today I received an email reply from someone that I had previously had correspondance with (he sent an enquiry to me, I replied). However, this particular email from him was less than kind about me, so I felt obliged to respond in my own way. It’s number 6 in my collection of pointless letters

His Email

The email to me

My response


Thank you for your reply - your kind comments are more than I deserve. And thank you for your fabulous range of natty images - I found myself smiling and chuckling at them for seconds on end. Just to confirm - in the photo below your name, are you the human or the cat? I’ve never received an email from a cat before, so I’m understandably excited. :)

I have to completely agree with you - I am officially the most stupid person in the world and I have a certificate to prove it (I made it myself using the back of a cornflakes packet and some felt… the only problem was that I had an accident with the glue and now it’s stuck to the kitchen floor). With regards to my education, I like to think that I proved my teachers wrong when they said that my brain was smaller than the salad section in a Scottish supermarket. I left college with two GCSE certificates - in mouthwash gargling and plug-hole hair removal - before spending 15 years at university, eventually graduating with a degree in wok polishing.

For years I’ve yearned to be a Grounds Keeper, but sadly the only job they would give me was answering enquiries from cats such as yourself. This job and the part time job counting toe nail clippings for the local chiropodist (he likes to collect them for his world record attempt) earn me just enough to fund my heating bills, keep my cupboards stocked with spam and baked beans and feed the pet zebra that I keep in my bathroom (toilet trips are a safari all of their own).

Coming back to your enquiry, you gave me a simple question and I gave you three simple answers. Here is another one - we have a collection of 250,000 medical abbreviations and you can search either by individual abbreviation (EG: “BID” - Twice Daily) or by definition (“twice daily”, in this case). As you are aware, there is more than one abbreviation for frequency of medication and we do not have a page containing a set defined list. If we did, we would probably call it “Abbreviations For Medication Frequency” and include some animated images such as a cat wagging its tail and a weird blinking Star Trek Klingon with a hand that looks like a man’s bottom.

I hope this clears things up for you. I’m going to close this email now as it’s becoming longer than Rapunzel’s pubic hair.

Have a wonderful day - don’t get too high on catnip.

Robert P.S: If you would like to come around and look at my certificate at any point, you’d be most welcome. Also, if you have a wok that needs polishing, I’m your man…

E-Love - Pointless Letter #5

Pointless Letter

This morning I received an email from Sage that tugged at my heart strings and begged to be replied to. However, me being me meant that my reply had to be one of my, now infamous, pointless letters.

Here’s the conversation thread, with her email appearing first…

Her Email...

Subject: Hello, stallion! Stop killing your time surfing the Web and come to me!

My name is Sage. In three words about myself – pretty, mad and free. I get so lonely from time to time these days. Why a well-hung fellow like you shouldn’t call a lustful queen like me to spend the most splendid time together? Do you prefer to play hard or is it more enjoyable for you to make it slowly dwelling on each moment? I can realize every fantasy you have. Look at my profile right now and let us fly away together! (link)

My Response...

Subject: Your stallion is here, my love…

Dear Sage,

In three words about myself - old, bald and flatulent.

Thank you for your delightful email. I have to say that I feel flattered and as soon as I read your email I knew you were the one for me. It’s lovely of you to say that I’m well-hung - that’s the first time anyone has uttered those words to me. Normally, I receive comments expressing shock, disappointment and disbelief… the nickname ‘pee wee’ has been uttered on more than one occasion.

For several years I’ve yearned for a lustful queen to spend splendid time with. So your timing couldn’t be more opportune… if also several years late. I won’t hold that against you though. I mean, they say that you happen upon love just when you least expect it. Well, imagine my surprise for it to arrive via an email this very morning. Lucky for you, I have recently become single following a split with my girlfriend. She was a nice girl… someone once said that if she had two more legs she could have starred in a Western. I’m not quite sure what they meant by that…

I would love to have a look at your profile before I decide to fly away with you. It’s a sensible suggestion because I don’t know what you look like (not that that matters, as we are certain to spend splendid time together). I should, however, like to check whether you’re a 6ft tall blonde with the features of a supermodel or a bald, 4ft dwarf with a big nose. It makes sense, you see - if it’s the latter then I can book you a child seat on the plane…

How lovely of you to enquire about my preferences. I have to say that I like to play hard, particularly when challenging my cat Geoffrey to a game of tiddlywinks. He’s a bad ass, you see, and he takes no prisoners. I initially gave him a home after finding him on the street at night, bullying beggars out of their hard earned change. I’m hoping that with time he will recover from his addiction to prostitutes, gambling and glue sniffing.

I must admit that I really love the thought that you can realise every fantasy I have. Indeed, if you have the connections to order me a unicorn, and get it to stand in a bath of custard whilst I eat my dinner off its back then that would truly make my day. Oh, and Geoffrey has requested a blonde call-girl, carrying a vat of UHU (he’s cutting down to a less-addictive form of glue).

Love and hugs always.

Onion P.S: Let’s make stuffing together.