An Ode to Friendship
(Sort Of)
Today’s article is about friends. And I don’t mean the long-running TV series with more on-off engagements than a toddler playing with a light switch. We’re talking buddies, besties, emotional support humans.
Famed scholar and champion of tight trousers Freddie Mercury once proclaimed, “Friends will be friends.” Profound. Deeply philosophical.
Yet, following a recent incident, I find myself questioning my appreciation of friends.
You know that thing where you have a favourite song, and then a friend murders it in front of you and ruins it forever? 🎤
Yeah, that.
I used to love the National Anthem.
(and screw him for winning that gold medal!)
Defining friendship
When it comes to quotes about friendship from people without a magnificent moustache, someone named ‘Anonymous’ (stupid name if you ask me) once remarked:
"Friends come and go like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face." 🐙
Sounds a bit clingy. And you’d attract some strange looks going out for coffee.
On the subject of meeting up with friends, a few weeks ago I invited an old school mate to a fancy restaurant for a catch-up lunch. Now, I’m not saying he’s become obscenely posh and loaded, but he asked if ‘fully accessible’ meant it had a helipad.😲
I mean, really? The clue’s in the name — Subway.
Needless to say, we don’t speak anymore.
He was killed in a tragic helicopter accident.
“Who wants to live forever?” 🎶
Friendship: a numbers game
Anyway, onwards and upwards... 🚁
My therapist recently asked me how many close friends I have, and I replied that I can confidently count them on the fingers of one foot.
“How many should I have?” is a question I didn’t ask — but I’ll pretend I did, just to segue into some facts that I’ve spent 43 seconds researching...
Studies suggest that we, as humans, have an average of three to five close friends at any one time, with 10 to 15 general friends and the rest falling into the realm of casual acquaintances. This number can stretch all the way up to about 150, a concept known as Dunbar’s Number.
Anthropologist Robin Dunbar claimed that 150 is the maximum number of stable relationships a person can maintain.
Just remember: go one over 150, and the universe automatically assigns you a random mortal enemy to balance things out.
“Too much love will kill you...” 🎶
If all this sounds a bit tricky to keep track of, I have a suggestion for you: start a spreadsheet. Complete with league tables, promotion and relegation.
I’m not saying I’ve done this, but if you haven’t heard from me in a while, consider yourself in League Two. 📉
Friendship: A user’s guide
Whilst writing this article, I’ve found myself reflecting on the unspoken rules of friendship. What is it that makes a friend? I decided to carry out a rigorous survey of 2.37 people to find out, and here’s what they said:
Trust and confidentiality
Supporting each other in both good times and bad
Forgiveness and understanding
Being able to pivot furniture up a staircase (it’s NOT about the TV show!!)
Encouraging others to be their true selves
The last one on that list really resonates with me. Just the other day a close friend said to me, “Alastair, stop pretending to be something you’re not!”
To which I replied, “That’s no way to speak to the Dalai Lama!”
Looking closer at our list of unspoken rules of friendship, I think there’s one glaring omission — it mentions nothing about recognising each other’s boundaries. For example, knowing when it’s appropriate to make jokes — and when it’s definitely not. Take this recent exchange I had:
Conversation with a friend at work
Him: "I had to let a member of staff go today."
Me: "Oh... did somebody pay the ransom?"
Him: 😐
We're not friends anymore.
Kidnappers always get their comeuppance.
"And another one gone, and another one gone..." 🎶
Final thoughts
So, what have we learned from today’s article? Well, as usual, very little. But if there’s one thing that’s clear, it’s that we all need good friends because they make life worth living. It’s as plain as the octopus on your face! 🐙
Alastair
If you enjoyed this article and want to be promoted to the Premier League in my Friends (not the TV show) spreadsheet, please consider giving it a like, leaving a comment or sharing it with your other 149 acquaintances.
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