In a surprising development, Prince George, the four-year-old son of Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, has today announced the release of his first autobiography. ‘Prince George: My First 4 Years’ will focus on his struggles to be understood in modern society and reveal how the terrible twos were a crushing disappointment. It also promises to shed light on his ongoing battle with Calpol addiction.

In a press release issued today, the young Prince describes his book as ‘controversial’, ‘fascinating’, ‘absorbing’ and other over-dramatic, long, descriptive words too complicated for a 4-year-old to spell himself.

Speaking via his publicist, Prince George said, “I feel the time is right, with Christmas approaching, to jump on the autobiography bandwagon. Katie Price releases at least two autobiographies every Christmas, and I’m a bloody Royal, for Christ’s sake!”

Although many people think of Prince George as being well-mannered and quiet, he isn’t afraid to reveal parts of his dark side in his new book. Indeed, he recalls one particular conversation with a friend that made him spit his dummy out in disgust!

In an extract from his memoirs, Prince George reveals his distaste for stereotyping and poor humour. “I’m not particularly temperamental," he says, “but I have been known to throw my toys out the pram occasionally. I recall one particular incident that happened a few months after I was born - I was out with my parents; I’d only just started to crawl at the time. A member of the public brazenly walked up to me and quipped ‘I hear you’re third in line to the throne… typical British - always queueing!’ Well, I wasn’t going to stand for that!”

Although Prince George’s autobiography contains lots of interesting revelations about his temperament, he also takes the opportunity to look forward to the future. He dreams of experiencing some very particular sporting events in his lifetime. “I’d love to see the day when the UK hosts an Olympic Games, or Manchester United wins a Premier League title,” he comments, ambitiously.

Although the title of his autobiography might seem an obvious choice, Prince George reveals it wasn’t such a simple decision after all. “I was going to call it ‘The Misunderstood Prince’, but saw that my Grandad Charlie had already nicked that title. By calling it ‘My First 4 Years’, it allows me to release a follow-up in a few years time. By the time I get to 40, I’ll be minted! Then, all I need to do is hide my money in the Cayman Islands…”

Always building for the future, the young Prince has an ambitious idea to attack the Christmas market again next year and is in talks to release a duet album with Gareth Gates. Plans are also in the pipeline to launch a 2018 Easter fitness video with an unknown celebrity wannabe from TOWIE and create a new fad diet involving Farley’s Rusks.

Asked to sum up his book, Prince George said, “Everybody thinks I’m a good little boy, but what I reveal in my book will truly shock you… is that enough bait to buy the book or should I go more extreme?"

Prince George: My First 4 Years will be published by Cobblers and Hogwash on 15 December 2017 in both hardback and eBook.

To celebrate the release of his book, Prince George will be doing a special book signing at Waterstones in Piccadilly on Thursday 7 December. He promises to let you choose the crayon colour…

A new year can mean only one thing… Easter eggs on sale in supermarkets? No, the other thing - it’s time to buy a new wall calendar.

It’s become something of a tradition for me to have a calendar on the wall in my office at home, serving as a handy reminder for upcoming birthdays and appointments. For me, the traditional format of the wall calendar has always been perfect - it doesn’t need to change and it certainly doesn’t need to offer me something new. So, please, if you would, explain this concept to me - the “16 month” calendar…



Let’s look at the case for the prosecution. A year is 12 months - it has been for several thousand years and I don’t see that changing anytime soon, even with Donald Trump in office. In addition, there is nothing wrong with the existing format of a wall calendar - it serves a great purpose, allowing me to quickly refer to upcoming events whilst displaying a nice picture for me to look at for a period of anything between 28 and 31 days.

So, why does it need to offer me something extra?

Rather madly, it’s followed the example of the toothbrush that cleans your tongue and the 48 hour deodorant (who needs a deodorant that lasts 48 hours?). The truth is this:

I don't want a 16 month calendar any more than I want a wristwatch with edible hands.

Is the fact that it has ‘16 months’ supposed to sway my opinion about buying it? Surely the content of the calendar is enough do that. I mean, calendar manufacturers seem to cater for all tastes now, so you’re surely going to be spoilt for choice? Calendars about cars, boats, cities of the world, hot guys, baby animals, hot guys with baby animals…



Clearly this particular calendar is designed to cater for the man or woman who likes hot guys and also likes baby animals. However, the manufacturer of this calendar hasn’t really gone with a comprehensive list of baby animals for their ‘13 month’ calendar. Let’s go through the list of “animals” on offer, month by month: 

January: Dog February: Dog March: Cat (small - awww, how cute…) April: Dog May: Dog June: Dog July: Dog August: Dog September: Dog October: Dogs (x2) November: Dog December: Dog Extra month: Cat

A grand total, then, of 11 dogs and 2 cats. Consider that there are over a million species of animal in the world. Surely, then, the calendar should accurately be titled as “hot guys with some cats and dogs”. To be “hot guys with animals”, the photos should have been composed a little like this:

January: Hot guy with kangaroo February: Hot guy with sheep March: Hot guy with giraffe April: Hot guy with Tasseled Wobbegong (it’s a shark, apparently) etc, etc.

And that’s before we even get to the Cockchafer (beetle)…

I think you’ll agree this list would make for a far more impressive calendar, and with such an enormous list of animal species there’s potential for them to extend their calendar to 1 million months!

Where-ever you are and whatever your view, I think we can agree on one thing. Product marketers are looking for increasingly daft ways of trying to make you part with your cash for their product. And the calendar has become no exception.

May 2017 bring you 16 months of health, happiness and 2-for-1 offers on tongue-cleaning toothbrushes…